Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Are you joking?!

So who remembers my last go at the dentists office? No? Here I'll wait... Ok, glad we're all caught up. So last week my freaking lower back right molar started hurting like a sonofabitch, off to the dentist I go! I called and made an appointment for yesterday (Tuesday) they asked if I wanted all 3 of my problem teeth fixed then...Are you fucking crazy woman? No just fix the one that hurts!
So at 2:00 yesterday I leave work and head to my dentists office. I get checked in and settled in the comfy dental chair, dentist comes in and  looks at my tooth says yep it needs to be fixed asap as I've cracked a filling. At this point we aren't sure if I need a root canal (obviously I will, I ALWAYS DO!) but the tooth that it's next to needs a crown replaced so he says that it's best to do them together so that I can get the right fit, then and there. So I just give up and tell him go ahead, do what you need. He tells me he'll send the patient consultant back, so I check the balance on my effing Care Credit card and see that I have a lovely $2,500 of open credit. Then Erica shows up with some bad, BAD News. Guess who used all of her allowance for the ENTIRE YEAR ON HER LAST VISIT?! Oh, that's right me! ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME? So they have this super scary number drawn up to fix my two teeth without any insurance: $3,1000 .. skiiiiir Stop. Not happening. So I tell her we need to fix this ONE tooth today and that's it. I understand I need to get the rest fixed, but yo, who has $3000 sitting around to use on a tooth?! Not me. She heads back off to speak to dentist man and comes back and tell me that today I can get away with a mere $1900 of work. Meh, no probs, Lets do this! (WHAT THE FUCK...FUCK ME)
So he comes back and starts stabbing me in my cheek, in my gums, IN MY JAW... gotta get me nice and numb so he can earn his money. 3 shots in I make him stop cause 1. that last shot hurt like a motherfucker and 2. I'm feeling dizzy and nauseous. The whole nausea thing was new. In all my days hanging out in the dental office I've never almost passed out. The assistant said I was the 3rd person of the day to act like that. I think they got some jacked up Novocaine! Shortly after I get numb he comes in and starts working, after a bit of drilling guess who doesn't need a root canal?! YAY ME! Though I can't get too excited, he said there's a 50/50 chance after the soreness wears off the tooth might start hurting again, and if so I'll need a root canal! I'm going to keep my fingers crossed! I dont want to give that man $800 more!
Let's cut to last night after I handed my Care Credit card over for $1,100. I'm sitting there on the couch and the Novocaine is starting to wear off. I run to the kitchen and find some Tylenol and throw it back. 10 minutes in hurts pretty bad, 30 minutes in hurts REAL Bad, 40 minutes in I lay down and start crying cause OMG I think my tooth is going to explode. By about 50 minutes in Junior is freaking out, cause I've never let him see me cry, and by God that man loves the shit outta me. Just when I think I can't take it any longer Lola jumps up into the 4 inches of open couch between my curled up legs and chest and soothes me. A few minutes of petting her and thank goodness the Tylenol starts to kick in. Lets be real though, that shit didn't stop it hurting, it just dulled the pain to a barely bearable pain, hey, I'll take what I can get! Junior praised Lola, even when she pukes all over your shoes she is good for some things, and she can live another day. Shortly after that Junior offered to go get me KFC Mashed Potatoes and Gravy (love) and a couple biscuits. After I ate, I downed a couple Aleve passed out on the couch while he watched some crazy show about crashing perfectly good airplanes in the name of research... Guys you need to not sit in First Class, those people die in the test! I know First Class seems fantastic, but lets be real. Don't pay more to die! Coach is the way to go!
Today I woke up sore where he shot me in the jaw and I still can't chew anything (KFC for lunch!) but I'm feeling much better. About 9am the Dentist himself...not his assistant or the receptionist, called to check on me. I'm super impressed with him.
Lessons Learned:
1. Blame bad genes for shit teeth. Here's looking at you Mom. Thanks
2. Make sure your dental insurance doesn't suck ass like mine
3. Take better care of your teeth


  1. I live with a man who has a down payment on a HOUSE into his teeth. SO. MUCH. MONEY. Personally, I like: cottage cheese, mashed up fruit cocktail, applesauce, mashed potatoes, and nothing you have to drink out of a straw :)

    1. Well I'm glad B feels my pain at least! As I type this I'm looking into AFLAC for additional dental coverage. Such bullshit.

    2. The last time I accompanied him to the dentist, it was just under $1000. I cringed and said, "Dang, baby, perhaps you should look into getting dental insurance." The receptionist looked at me (I can't make this up) and said "Pfft. I'm not sure if there is a whole lot left for us to do to his teeth that hasn't already been done. Maybe he should have looked into it 3 years ago!" Between braces, 3 cavities filled, 2 teeth removed, 1 crown installed, gum surgery, retainers, and Invisalign, short of all his teeth FALLING OUT, he's pretty much done!